EMZTRadio

Change sucks, pure and simple. It just sucks. Change makes you leave your comfort zone, and take a wild ride of self-questioning, guilt, pain, and eventually a leveling out. I'm going on one of those changes currently. There's so much I hate myself for, and I've only begun. The one thing I need to do is apologize to my demon. I know now that what he was doing was waking me, showing me that I can't handle things alone. Just like everyone else in my life, I pushed him away, because I was fake tough. Only now, at the age of 38, and I realizing just how fake tough I was. Yes, there are things I can't handle on my own, and never should have tried. Instead, I made a mess of my life, and I'm here where I am now. I know, I'm rambling. However, this is where my brain is right now. This is why I have disappeared for a while. I want my life back. I want to be happy again.

An excerpt from my book: As the post arrived at Richard’s cottage, he could barely contain himself. The decision was close, and he knew he was the favorite. He raced to the post box, his heart going faster than his legs would take him. An envelope from the University of Edenborough arrived, his reaction made him look like a child on Christmas Day. Tearing the envelope open, Richard jumped back in excitement. “Oh my God,” he exclaimed, “I got it! I actually fucking got it!” After picking up the part of the envelope he tore, he raced inside, and wanted to read the letter one more time. Dear Richard, congratulations on becoming my head research assistant. You are in prestigious company, not many of my former students are even considered for the position. However, you have proven yourself, over these last four years of graduate work, that you are beyond qualified for this position. You will be my youngest ever assistant. Please report to my office to discuss the details of this position. Once again, congratulations. Yours – K The tall ginger tried to keep his composure as he walked through the corridor of the history department. Once around the corner, he stood in front of the archeology wing. Gathering his breath, while his pale hands shook in excitement, he knocked on the door. His heart was pounding at the same rhythm as the footsteps he heard heading towards the door. There was that quick moment of panic, as the footsteps sounded closer. “No, this is my life now,” he reminded himself, “not everyone gets this opportunity.” One huge deep breath, then the door opened. A tall man, slightly over six feet, answered the door. He was dark haired, looked in his mid-40s, with a beard that was slightly greying. “Ah, Richard, there you are. Come in,” the man glowingly said, “there’s some whiskey over by the couch, help yourself.” Richard was still awestruck that he landed the position, barely even noticing that his ex-girlfriend, Lilly, was in the same room. “I’ll give you a few moments to compose yourself, Rich,” Dr. DeSade said, “I can still see the grin on your face. Have a drink, and we will discuss what is expected of both of you.” “Both of us?” Richard asked. “Who’s the other person?” “I am.” Lilly said, “I’m the other assistant, or did you forget?” The woman in her mid-twenties with crimson red dyed hair was no stranger to Richard, being as they dated for a brief period during their freshman year. Richard made a small face, but smiled at her. The teasing in her voice was lost on Kane, “now, don’t get to thinking that one is better than the other. You are both equals here. You have both shown exceptional aptitude in the field.” They both shared a small snicker as Richard filled out his paperwork. Over the next few months, Dr. DeSade would read through the graduate dissertations. “Garbage. Have I lost my touch teaching, or are we graduating just anyone these days? I know one thing, the damn English department needs to do their job,” Kane lamented. “Although, I shouldn’t despair too much, look at my last two classes, they’ve produced my youngest and brightest research assistants yet.” Both Lilly and Richard were busy working on some samples from the famous Richard III dig to even notice the perturbed look on Kane’s face. The three regularly worked late hours, they became close, even to the point Richard started questioning why he cheated on Lilly when they were younger. As they became closer, Richard finally worked up the nerve to talk to Lilly about their past. “You cheated on me, then acted like I was the crazy one,” Lilly was calm the whole time, but you could tell that even after all these years, it still bothered her a bit. “I had to forget you, and no, I don’t think I could ever see you that way again. I’m sorry, Richard. I can see it in your eyes, but the answer will forever be no.” He felt that familiar sting in his heart, as the memories flooded back. The night he was too drunk to remember at the time became as clear as if it happened just the night before. Richard finished some paperwork and left for the day. Lilly did feel bad for him, but her morals and sense of self would never allow someone to hurt her twice.

This sucks. However, I get it. When you have a movement as large as what Felix had, you were going to get some fringe lunatics. When one of those lunatics vandalizes a war memorial, you start to second guess. When another shoots up a mosque and uses the movement to gain attention, then the right thing is to stop. Look, I'll never blast Felix for what he did because it was the right thing. Yet, it sucks because Pewds was an inspiration for me. I host a podcast that promotes independent horror and independent music. I believe in rebelling against big corporations (I think corporations go against the natural order of capitalism.), and I love the DIY movement. My heart and soul has been poured into my podcast (when I'm not burned out.) there are times I'm just gone, and I need a recharge. There are times where I wonder if this is even worth it. Sometimes, I just want to give up. Then, I see Felix and realize that a guy from Sweden screaming into a microphone became the biggest person on YouTube. That told me if I worked hard at it, eventually, good things will happen. And in the end, that's what #SubscribeToPewDeePie really meant to me. I don't care what you think of him. To me, T-Series was everything that YouTube was becoming that we all hate. Soulless. You almost have to be famous to make it on YouTube, at least make it to where it's worth it these days. They have truly forgotten their roots. Pewds represents what the past of YouTube was supposed to mean. T-Series is where YouTube is headed. I know it's hard to think of Felix as the little guy, but the truth is, compared to the most popular entertainment channel in India, most everything would be little. It would have been a victory in a war against big entertainment, a war that's still winnable. So, buy good games from indie developers, seek out indie music, donate some money to your filmmaker friend, go out and make that content. We can still win this, even if right now, we feel that's next to impossible.