Jump to content

Thoughts of an Anxious Man - S0202


It's been a while since I last posted, sorry about that! I've been going through a bit of a tough time lately, both physically and mentally; it's been hard to find the words to share what's going on inside my head. To be perfectly honest, I'm in two minds about posting this one. It shares a little bit more than I would like, but that's the thing with anxiety. There's no middle ground.

I was feeling quite positive at my last point of writing. The 'F**k It* ideology is an interesting one, and something I felt I could really get behind. Unfortunately, things haven't quite gone to plan and I feel I've actually ended up taking steps backwards. Like I said last time, I find it difficult to express myself at the best of times. I try and try to be the positive change I want to see in other people, but can often be found contradicting myself, opting to isolate myself and enjoy solitude, instead of clamping down on my issues. Anxiety and depression can be... overwhelmingly powerful.

The past couple of months have been all about weddings. A time to celebrate and enjoy the moment, right? That's the bit I'm struggling with. I had two events this weekend, visiting a wedding venue for Mrs-Sausage-To-Be (she will legitimately kill me for calling her that) and myself, and the other one being watching one of my close friends from college get married. Our group has reached that age, where everyone is now getting married or having their second (or third) kids. It's something I look forward to, but at the same time dread. 

Now don't get me wrong, super excited for both events. I wouldn't have proposed if I hadn't wanted to do it. Perhaps that's why it came as such a surprise to friends and family... But I am completely and utterly filled with dread at the prospect of standing in front of people during the ceremony, having attention thrust upon me during a speech, or even in having a stag do. So much so, I might have to the latter a miss. I just don't know if I can handle that - the travel, the activities, the drinking.... I'm 31, pushing 32, and have never sat through anyone's wedding ceremony. 


9dc5fb5e1bdcc91081ecaa24e5cd9dbb.jpg.14c4ed984c208c38d87382be97a914b7.jpg


To give you an idea of how the spiraling descent into madness goes, I kept a mini diary through the week:

One week out
Easy. You got this.

Two days out
Oh boy. Here come the heebie jeebies.
'F**k it' becomes F**k.

The day before
I went straight down to the gym in the morning, as I do every day, but anxiety is waving now. Oh hello meticulous planning, the thoughts of 'do I even want to be there' and 'Will anyone actually notice if I'm not there?'
F**k becomes F**K. 

Event day
The day of travel, and I woke up to a vicious bout of IBS. It's true what they say, its linked to stress and anxiety, and my intestines are letting me know that. My head is full of thoughts of cancelling, about how I'm going to manage a small 1h20 drive, about what we'll do when we get there. Already I feel myself panicking, and I don't know why. Or moreover, why I can't push it all to the back of my mind.

I find myself thinking not of this trip, but of my nephew's christening, of just how the hell am I EVER going to beat this. This is where the depressive cycle kicks in, I begin to feel worthless and guilty, not for my own issues, but for dragging my long suffering fiancee down with me. I'm desperately telling myself the positives, how great it will be, how much I deserve a fucking break, that I hold worth. See how today goes I guess. I'm in the gym, trying to beat it out of me. 

F**K becomes F**K F**K F**K.

AdvancedBonyIlladopsis-size_restricted.gif.ed00e67b2988ec56acb708edf3c28471.gif
 


Of course, it all works out in the end. Anxiety is nothing more than getting yourself worked up over hypothetical outcomes that will likely never happen. I know that, and yet in the heat of the moment, I cannot come to believe it. You can tell yourself over and over again that it will be ok, but you have to believe it's going to be. 

So where do we go from here? I'm going back to my therapist later today to talk options. I think I'm going to give medication another try. I'd much rather not, but I just want to get a grip. In the meantime, if you are struggling, please drop me a DM. My door is always open for a confidential chat. I've also found listening to podcasts a tremendous help - in particular The Hilarious World Of Depression - a series where comedians and public figures go on to talk about their experiences with mental health issues. It's well worth checking out.



4 Comments


Recommended Comments

Thanks for sharing this. It's like reading my own thoughts at one point in my life.
If you don't mind, I am now gonna to share my thoughts. If you mind it's to late. You made me start to think here 😛

I got married a year ago, and I struggled with the same things as you are.
The standing in front at the ceremony and to have a speech  was something that made me hold back agreeing to wed my wife for like three years.
At one point I had to just put my foot down and say to myself "she has kept up with your bullshit anxiety and overthinking for so many years now, this is the woman that truly loves you. If you can't grow a beard, at least grow a couple of balls Mr. Shabby".
So I jumped in it and the day came. The ceremony went great and I got a bit angry on myself for fearing this.

Then the speech came, and the world stopped around me. My hands started shaking, bloodlike taste in my mouth, started to get dizzy and hell broke loose in my head. Something I do when feeling like this is talking really fast, so to sum up the speech: Probably a Guinnes world record in fastest speech ever. Eminem would envy that one.

And when I was done I knew I had chosen the right path. My wife took my hand and said you did not have to do this, but you did it anyways. Gave me a kiss and the world started spinning again. The shaking went away and in 10 minutes I was myself again. Who needs meds with someone like that in my life.

Share this comment


Link to comment
38 minutes ago, Shabbyno said:

If you can't grow a beard, at least grow a couple of balls Mr. Shabby".


Beautiful piece mate, and was exactly what I needed to hear this morning - thanks for that. 

Share this comment


Link to comment
4 hours ago, RegalSausage said:


Beautiful piece mate, and was exactly what I needed to hear this morning - thanks for that. 

You know me, the weird one who brainfarts a lot 🙂

Share this comment


Link to comment

good stuff and i feel ya on alot of that stuff since im currently planning to goto my best mates wedding and my thoughts are currently good for him and shit then the other me is going why the fuck am i not doing that shit aswell and also have my ged by now and a bunch of rather selfhurtful shit anyways good stuff an hope to read more from you sexy sausig you <3

Share this comment


Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...