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What i believe is the starting cause of my depression for majority of my life


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Crafty Lemon

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Short story (not so short) stating issues iv been having through my life that led to me stopping working on things i love such as Helping on this Site and working with the community

 

I believe it all Started years ago (like 13 years) when i first Got rejected by the opposite sex, now you would think everyone goes through that but my story has a bit of a twist.

Background: i was a goth kid you know gel in the hair making emo looking hair but not being emotionally available to be an emo listening to rock and basically being avoided by people because i was different. wasn't into the whole nail polish and eyeliner though so i suppose i was a wannabe goth.

well there were 4 people in my life at this time that accepted me truly for who i was (names have been changed just in case they ever read this)

my best friend growing up (another goth kid but he was the eyeliner type) -  Paul

my best friends love interest (loved the broodiness of my friend i think) Sarah

my best friends Ex (my love interest and point of this event) Rosie

and the one woman i probably never noticed had a crush on me until she no longer did - Nikki

 

so all 4 of us would hang out every day of secondary school (high school for the Americans/ who every doesn't have the year grade system the British have) in the School music rooms, we all got to know each other better because that what kids do when they have common interests

as these things go we (most close friends) start to develop feelings and they grow as you get to know each other better.

Saying this i started to notice a change in Rosie, she went from being a happy friendly out going person to a retracted scared and quiet and shy person.

 

That should be the set up of thing so anyway let's cut to the moment i think everything took a turn

We had all decided to hang around outside of school me and my bestfriend always liked to hang out and an old bus stop near the primary school we used to go t.

Me and my crush were sat listening to my portable CD player and like any respectable goth at the time we were listening to Linken Park So as Paul, Sarah and Nikki were all hanging out on top of the bus stop (not important but to set the scene it was an old brick and concrete bus stop more than likely still here to this day).

me and Rosie decided to go for a walk and talked a bit ( i thought naively this was going somewhere) as we were walking along the path that run parallel to the playground of the school  it passes over a bridge towards farm land (this place is important) we continue on towards the farmland following the path that cuts through to the housing estate me and Paul used to live around, we get to a point where we have both stopped just about 40 seconds off the bridge and i turn and basically confess the attraction - she lets me down gently, kisses me on the cheek and then says "you would make a girl happy" at this point i'm like OK, i'm a bit heart broken but she was kind and since we were friends before we can still be friends (talk about mature eh ......) so we start to walk back and she say lets sit on the bridge and chill for a bit, me not thinking about anything but this lass just broke me a little bit but still wants to hang out so in my mind i'm like she might like me in the future and shes even more my type even though nothing will happen right away....

our friends come walking down to say that they are going to head over to Sarah's house and would we like to come along, we both say yeah we'll be along and catch up with them shortly

they start walking off and get around 1-150 feet away when i notice that Rosie is shuffling closer and closer to the edge and she has tears in her eyes, i start to panic and move closer on the bridge wall to her she keeps shuffling and now in a full sob and just as i get close enough to her she pushes herself off the edge of the bridge  (for context this bridge has a 20-30 foot drop onto old disused train tracks and a burnt out car that Chav's had stole and destroyed whilst joy riding)

as she starts to fall i grab hold of her by the arm/shoulder hanging on to keep her alive, i realize i'm not strong enough to pull her back up on my own and i'm panicking and Screaming for Paul to come back and help me save her (id say this would make a good TV show if it wasn't so depressingly real) all the while Rosie is fighting with me to make herself drop this struggle feels like it is going on for minute but it must of been about 40 seconds Paul rushes back grabs her other arm and we basically throw her over the bridge wall to safety, at this point the adrenaline is making me shake and i fall to the ground crying cos my friend/crush just tried to commit suicide in front of me. Paul, Sarah and Nikki all grab a hold of Rosie and try talking to her but shes just an incoherent mess crying, sobbing and basically screaming in emotional agony, Paul looks over to me sees me crying and shaking, asks me if i'm OK, i'm sniffling and going " yea i'm OK i just need a minute get Rosie home and talk to her mum"

they walk off with her while i pick myself up and dry my eye whilst trying to make sense of what happened.

TL;DR: Friend and crush tries to commit suicide after rejecting my confession of teenage love and think its scarred me for making new relationships

This story is not meant to garner sympathy i just want/need an outlet to say what is going through my head on a daily basis and what im trying to come to terms with.

i wish this was the only story / scar i have but there's a lot more

 

Thanks for reading if you get this far

 

Regards

 

Crafty

 

 

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