Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel like I am invincible, on top of the world and ready to completely smash anything that stands in my path.. and others, I feel like I get lost, like I am a spec in a dark void and no way of being able to escape the sensation that nobody really cares.
It can be really hard dealing with these feelings some days, and it can be really hard making sense of all of them, but I am slowly coming to terms with my own problems and my own reasons to thinking this way. I work on a lot of things in my day to day life, lots of projects, lots of things to keep me busy. This can be a blessing and a curse to me. I work on charity, I run a whole event with a small team of people, and lately it has felt like it is going nowhere and I failed the dream I had of making other casters believe in themselves to better someone elses life with the platform they were given. My motto has always been *Inspire to give, give to inspire*. I always drove this motto home when trying to encourage people to take part, but not just in my event, but to create charity streams of their own, to make them see whether they have a big or small platform they could achieve great things from it. If you take your platform and inspire others, you will achieve the goals you want to, and it isn't always about the money, it is about the journey, about the charities message, and about the way you get it across to your viewers. Now this went slightly off topic.. but it all makes sense in my head.. Charity is important to me, and is one of the projects I work on daily, in my head, on paper, mind mapping, coming up with new ideas, planning my own event, taking part in others events, working on LSS, which is like my child. I founded LSS about 6 months into streaming properly. I was new at it, and had no idea what I could achieve with the help of others. The answer? just over $4000. I had a very humble goal for that 3 day event of $500. We smashed that within hours of the event starting. I was humbled, blown away and shocked by the way the event played out over the weekend. LSS (which is short for Live. Support. Stream) has done 3 events now and has raised over $13,000 for charity. It is a project I don't want to give up on, but my anxiety keeps telling me it isn't worth it.. pushing forward with some goal that nobody else is inspired by isn't worth it, and that makes me feel like I have failed as a person. It feels like I failed myself, but also those around me who I did inspire, it is like I snuffed the light out.. I just hope I can get to a place before the next event to push through and make it the best it can be.
I work on art, everyday no matter what, I am always creating, whether it is drawing, digitally or traditionally, whether it is creating stories in video games, or whether I just sing some songs.. I am always creating. Art and creativity is my escape from what is this crazy life I live. I am a full time content creator, behind on so many tasks, unable to fufill them all. But yet I still enjoy it so much. It is hard to feel like I am good enough to my community, it is like an on going battle of me telling myself that they do it because I deserve it, and my brain telling me otherwise. I know they do it because they want to and they want to support my dreams. But I can't help but feel awful sometimes.
I'm sorry for rambling on my first post.. none of this probably makes sense. Just know that you are worth everything you get from others, and nothing is out of your control. This is a lesson I need to teach myself, but I hope you can learn from it too.
Thanks for reading.